i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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