sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
