what day is it and did you see me today?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
