Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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