lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
