remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
