i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
