is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
