i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
