I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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