my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
