I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I didn't notice because vodka
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Terrible idea I love it
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
