so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
