I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
