my mouth tastes like poor choices
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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