Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
