just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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