So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
