I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
