just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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