How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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