You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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