I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
