I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
