I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
