Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
