im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
