I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
