I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
