the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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