I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
