We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
