My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
