1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
