if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
