apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
