I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
