Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
