Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
