i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
