College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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