My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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