I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
