I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
