Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
