That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
