I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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