He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
