im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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