I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
