If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
